My Life in German

Since I moved to the German-speaking part of Switzerland, I've noticed how similar my life here is to the US, and how despite living in a different country, I feel like I'm repeating my past. It is like I am trapped in a German deja vu time warp.

Although I work in private equity/venture capital/active investing at Pala, I find my current job to be a lot like my old investment banking job at Wachovia. I walked into my office today, early. Only 2 people were around. I wanted to get caught up on the industry and do some research before everyone got in. But then I heard one of the Associates on the phone speaking to another Associate. And I could have SWORN those were the voices of Jeff and Michael at Wachovia. They sounded almost alike, the inflection, everything.

And when one of the Vice Presidents, a big burly guy with a blood pressure monitor, comes to talk to me about a model, I could have sworn he looked and acted just like Aaron at Wachovia. They both had a cool, manly demeanor and hid so much stress inside that they ended up having the same problem. It was freaky. And today, we had to get a report out to one of the Boards, and my other Vice President asked me to get some figures done and format the thing. But I had to do it in 20 minutes. It was a rush job. And he was standing behind me while I did all the excel shorthands as quickly as possible. It was deja vu to the extreme, imagining my VP Chris at Wachovia behind me telling me to format this, change that. I thought my investment banking analyst days were over, but it turns out I am doing the exact same thing. Why?

Although my job is similar, I am not. I noticed a big change in the way I behave at Pala than at Wachovia. At Wachovia, my papers were scattered all over my desk and project info was spread everywhere. At Pala, every project has a neat folder and a specific corner of my desk, not to mention a specific folder on the harddrive. At Wachovia, I snuck in late, and tried to leave early (though, "early" was 10PM and "late" was 830AM). At Pala, I arrive early to research and learn about the companies while no one is around, and am one of the last to leave. At Wachovia, I struggled just trying to stay above water every day. At Pala, I try to reflect and think about what I am doing, why I am doing it, how to improve it, and how it all links together. I like it. At Wachovia, I wore flowy skirts and bold striped shirts. At Pala, I am more subdued with light button downs and muted pinstripes. Although there were times I loved investment banking, most of the time the analyst life was not that good. I guess the difference is that now I actually get to do the finance that I like, but the life is a lot better, and hence I enjoy my job.

As for love, I am finding myself in a lot of the same situations abroad as I was in the US. Although most of the time the people you meet are not suited for you, or you are not suited for them, every once in a long while you meet someone who you just "fit" with. I met one of those people. And I've found that I am in the same situation I had been before: should I reveal my feelings and say "This is too good to just walk away from, let's give it a try?" Or do I never reveal how I feel and trust that if it was meant to be, it will all work out naturally?

I've certainly had this feeling before. But it's like you are wading through a sea of yellow flowers and all of a sudden you run into one bright red. It pops out at you. You know it's just what you want. But you also know that you've seen red flowers before, yet, they are very few and far between. Getting back to people, the question is, do you let this opportunity go or do you put down your pride and just say "Love conquers all!"

Although I am in the same situation as I've been in before, I'm not the same person. Before I would have called him up, or written him a letter explaining basically, "we had such a great time together, don't you want to see where it goes?" Sadly, it always ruined everything. This time, despite how much I still want to tell him, I won't. I'll let it run its course. Maybe in the future we'll see each other again, maybe never. I'll just have to live with that. If he really saw it the same way, he would have spoken up about it, or maybe we'd be talking more. I just can't force it. I have to let it be.

But I can't help but wonder why history repeats itself. Why my life turned out to be so similar to my past. Why you encounter the same types of people. Why the story is always the same. I guess the main difference in it all is how you change as a person, even if everything else stays the same.

My Last Day in Barcelona... until October

After passing my Spanish test yesterday, I can say that I'm officially done with my first year of the MBA. Tomorrow I get on a plane to Zurich, where my new Vice President will pick me up and introduce me to some members of the office. They are so very nice. I'm excited, but a little scared. This job will be a little Private Equity, a little Portfolio Management, a little Corporate Finance a little Alternative Investing. And the Company has been sooo good to me, I don't want to let them down. If anyone can tackle finance of this nature I guess it will be me, and I'm looking forward to learning alot. I hope my investment banking training will hold up.

So I'm a little nostalgic. JD paraphrases in SCRUBS that the way to restore a relationship is to remember what attracted you to the person in the first place. Although I have been extremely busy this first year, these last few weeks have opened my eyes to why I fell in love with Barcelona in the first place. Last weekend a friend of mine from LBS came down for the weekend. First day I took him to a "Spanish-style" sports bar. Dark wood, pool tables, tapas, beer & wine. I went there for the first time with Bala... it was great. (I do miss Balaaaaaaaaaa!)

The next day I had a dinner with my best friends at my favorite restaurant, Balthazar. I wanted to bring a little New Orleans culture to Barcelona, and since the restaurant requires punctuality (an anomaly in BCN), and I believe that economics is all about incentives, I suggested that for anyone who comes early, I'm bringing an ice cold bottle of schnapps and we do shots outside. Anyone from New Orleans would appreciate the beauty of this situation...

Picture is blurry but I think it adds an artsy, inebriated quality to it.

The dinner crew.

After dinner Morgan (shown below in sexy mode) takes us to a bar in Barri Gotic to meet a bunch of his Catalan friends.


We drink mojitos until around 2AM when we decide to go to the last IESE BOW of the year at Bucano. We had a lot of fun:


Still, after that, a few of us went over to Damiaan's roof and popped open a bottle of cava under the stars.

The next day, did a little shopping and watched Spain pound Sweden in the EuroCup. If there is one sport I could tolerate watching, it's soccer (sorry, Football). It was very nice. I wish I could watch soccer with a beer more often.

That night was a friend's 30th birthday party. He had a very elegant dinner with great people from all different backgrounds at El Gran Cafe. I ordered what I was craving for a while: nice piece of rare entrecot. We had Marques de Caceres Rioja all night. Was my favorite in the States, but I don't drink that much here. I prefer Torres because it's local. Anyhoo, after dinner, we took a cab to Opium Mar. It was packed with people:


We had a table and ordered bottles of vodka and champagne. Aparently there was an underground party that lasted until 1PM, but I went home modestly at 6AM.

The next day was relaxed, but equally good. I still had my LBS friend over, so we went exploring Barcelona. Stopped for some Pinchos at Sagardi, then headed to Gaudi's work Casa Batllo, then off to Barceloneta to explore the commercial and beach area. Didn't get too much beach time because the weather was dreary. Instead we stopped at a local pub and watched the Portugal-Switzerland game. Usually I am for Portugal, but since I am moving to Switzerland, I decided to switch loyalties, even if I thought Portugal was a better team. Switzerland ended up kicking Portugal's hiney 2-0. And I thought, sometimes, the only things necessary to make me happy are a big jarra of beer or a nice steak poco hecho.

As my friend left back to London, I couldn't help but realize that I made the right decision to come to IESE and in Barcelona. When I first saw Barcelona, I took a leap of faith and came to live here. That's just how I am. Very passionate. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. This time it did. And I'm lucky to be able to live in Switzerland for a while with a great job in a great company. I have grown up quite a bit since living in Europe, have figured out a lot about myself, and I have great expectations for the next year. I know it will be easier...

Obama Wins the Nomination for the Democratic Party

***WARNING: Entry contains partisan views.

This entry has been on the backburner for quite a while. Of course, Obama secured all the necessary delegates on June 4th, but Hillary officially bowed out on June 7th. It was an extraordinary event for me, as I was not used to my favorite candidate coming to the forefront. Now his main challenge is to unite Democrats and Americans again as Bill Clinton once did...

Hillary Clinton announced her support for our campaign today. Senator Clinton made history over the past 16 months -- not just because she has broken barriers, but because she has inspired millions of Americans with her strength, her courage, and her commitment to causes like universal health care that make a difference in the lives of hardworking Americans.

It's time for all of us to come together to take on John McCain in the general election. John McCain offers another four years of George Bush's policies, which our country simply cannot afford.

And only a few weeks before, one of my favorite candidates in the past 4 years also endorced Barack Obama:

Con esa fuerza, me sientaba como un angel ha caedo del cielo. Era una accion muy emocionante para mi gusto...

Most of the people I consider my heros are politicians. Bill Clinton. Alvaro Uribe. Al Gore. Barack Obama. And today one of my heroes endorced another:

A few hours from now I will step on stage in Detroit, Michigan to announce my support for Senator Barack Obama. From now through Election Day, I intend to do whatever I can to make sure he is elected President of the United States.

Over the next four years, we are going to face many difficult challenges -- including bringing our troops home from Iraq, fixing our economy, and solving the climate crisis. Barack Obama is clearly the candidate best able to solve these problems and bring change to America.

This moment and this election are too important to let pass without taking action. Thank you for joining me,

Al Gore

This election is starting to get nasty. Hopefully Americans will not make the same mistake 3 times... As GW Bush once said, "Fool me once..."

Hilarious!

My 1st Year in the MBA Programme

I won't pretend that the MBA has been a walk in the park. I won't say that I haven't had some moments that tested my intellectual and personal limits. I won't say that I didn't learn a lot about myself, so much I would say that I'm a very different person than when I started here in Barcelona, 11 months ago.

I have to admit I was taken aback at the caliber of this programme and just how to navigate through it, and how to make the right choices or me, not for anyone else. Most of the time I felt like I was constantly running not really getting much value to myself out of it, just trying to stay above water.

Consequently I have a lot of regrets that I hope to ameliorate next year. I regret, when I started out here, not taking the MBA as seriously as I should (I thought I came here to get out of Investment Banking and to get a relaxing job in Spain...). From the second trimestre on, I regret taking the MBA too seriously, and I regret being too hard on myself because of it. I regret letting my Spanish fall by the wayside, and being too scared to push myself with it. I regret not experimenting professionally more. I regret trying to get back into Investment Banking instead of using the time to figure out what I really liked in a career. I regret not enjoying MultiCulti as much as I should. I regret not going to as many BOWs, or as many Dinners. I regret not playing more sports in the MBA Olympics. I regret not taking the time to stop and smell the roses.

But I did make some good choices. I chose the right choreographer for the IESE salsa team in the MBA Olympics. I landed a superb internship with Pala Investments in Switzerland, where I will be working on the valuation & analysis of investment opportunities, financial modeling, and managing the investment portfolio. Seems like I will learn alot & have great responsibility. And having stopped to appreciate this opportunity, I think I'm ready to get the most value from it (rather than constantly running and trying to keep up); additionally, I made the right decision not to do the Capstone project so I have enough time to reflect and prepare for my internship, and pass the last level of Business Spanish. I made the right decision to not be afraid to leave Investment Banking, even also finding out that I don't have to leave Corporate Finance altogether. In this MBA I guess I rediscovered my love for Finance, and even more so, a field that not only I could be happy with, but also fit my skill set: Risk Management. And even so, I think the case method has prepared me to see things on another level, and hopefully all my preparation will finally pay off in my next career.

The end of the 1st year ended somewhat nostalgically. The 2nd years left slowly one by one, and it was sad to see them go. They told me that the MBA went so fast, and they had regretted not interacting more with the 1st years. I'm glad that I put up more of an effort to get to know them more, and I hope next year I make more of an effort to interact with the new 1st years. I ended the year with a good grip on the subjects, some time to go out, and some leisurely finals that I had enjoyed studying for. The day exams ended, some of us went to the beach, most of us met up at the Karaoke dinner at Shanghai. One of things I enjoy most is Karaoke, but I kept it safe by singing in groups, mostly Bon Jovi songs, and a couple of Spanish songs (I always wanted to sing in Spanish! I do it in my car all the time anyway..). Afterwards, took a cab with the Brazilians to Universal for more partying. It was a vodka & redbull night.

I guess all in all life is coming together, the confusion of being in my 20s is the driver of my personal & professional growth. And although I do miss my old friends in the States, and I'm still not sure if I will stay in Europe or not, I can say that I am happy and ready to face the 2nd year.

Why I Love Dance

Pro skater Kristi Yamaguchi & Mark Ballas do the Mambo.


And here, the Paso Doble. Wonderful!

My Yellow Brick Road & MBAT

I'd like to start off my entry of self reflection with a profound quote by the President of the United States:

There's nothing more deep than recognizing Israel's right to exist. That's the most deep thought of all. ... I can't think of anything more deep than that right now.
--George W. Bush

Washington, DC
03/13/2002

Since I decided that Risk Management might be the career I'm meant to be in, doors started openning for me and life started to get a little easier. It's almost like God finally gave me a break and every bad thing that could happen didn't actually happen to me anymore. Additionally, even some good things started happening to me. Maybe I'm finally finding my way after all.

So 2 weeks ago were the MBA Olympics in Paris, an event where some 20 top European business schools compete in various sporting activities. I was on the salsa team. We started practicing for this event very late, and had just wrapped up the full choreography literally 2 days before the show. There were 11 salsa teams competing in total, and as we watched them practice, we thought: man, there are some good dancers here. We ended up saying that no matter what happens, we are going to go out there and have the most fun possible. We ended up winning the silver medal, with LBS (London Business School) in 3rd, and Bocconi with the gold. We all were ecstatic.

The Performance:


The first night's party was pretty amazing. We had the LBS band on stage, and a nice atmosphere at HEC. When we got back to the hotel, Thilo, Bruno & I stayed talking outside with a beer until they closed the bar. The second night of course, was the salsa show. Later that night I became bored, but my new Spanish teammate Santi saved the day when we managed to dance the night away. Turned out to be a good night. The next day I went to Paris to see Florian and Olga. There I met Florian's super sweet friend with a Ph.D in Neuroscience Laurent. We ended up talking about neurons and risk management. The French men were awesome at showing us around their wonderful city. I absolutely loved Paris.

Perhaps the last day at MBAT in Paris was the best of all. I came back from the city quite late, missed the BBQ and headed down to the party and the open bar. The whole party atmosphere at HEC from the drinks to the music to the venue reminded me of college, and that made me very happy. After a few beers, I started meeting some of the LBS crowd. And in that crowd I've probably never met such a great dancer since New Orleans (where I was called the budi dancing queen but let's not get into that). I've never had this much fun dancing non-salsa since I was at Tulane. You know that saying "Dance like no one is watching?" Well we did, and everyone was watching. I ended up spending the night with the LBS crowd while I missed all the IESE/ESADE action which involved lots of singing "Te Quiero IESE", standing on tables with flags, wine pouring and Bonzai chants. But it was worth it. I really missed classic New Orleans partying that night...

I don't know why, but coming back from MBAT in Paris injected new life into me that I haven't felt in a long time. Things were going right, my struggling in almost all areas of life had subsided. I didn't feel like such a screw-up in school. I met some of the most wonderful people that give me butterflies. And I wasn't scared to ride a moto anymore. Maybe it was the lucky Portuguese rooster. Maybe God is finally giving me the thumbs up for my new direction in life. As JD in SCRUBS used to say, "Every so often a wizard comes along and tells you exactly what you need to hear." That we had the brains all along. Or that we had a heart all along. Or even that we had the courage all along. I don't know where my life will ultimately end up. All I know is that I'm just here, following my yellow brick road...

Occam's Razor, Revisited

The last time I had a crystalising moment about my life was when I was in the middle of writing my second ABP report, and I decided that Sales & Trading was what I wanted to do with my life. But today, as I was doing the reading for Entreprenuership (and deciding that being an entrepreneur was sooo not my thing), I had another crystalizing moment: I wanted to go into Risk Management.

I guess the difference between the 2 "crystalising moments" was that the first time occured at a time of immense stress when I was desperately grasping for anything meaningful in my life, and the other occured during a 4 day vacation, after I had received internship offers, and I committed myself to doing absolutely NOTHING. But the fact is, I had actually been thinking about Risk Management for a while. I remembered the time I was a trader for an internship, and the MBAs had Risk Management internships. They watched over the traders and calculated the VaR and positions held at the end of the day. They managed the traders, but didn't have to go through the heart attacks of actually trading the market. Risk managers would book hedge trades. (Hedging is like the theme of my life. Whenever I take a risk, whether it be love, money or whatever, I always worry about hedging the risk of getting hurt. I hate uncertainty. Maybe I finally got an outlet for it).

Looking back on this, there were signs: My first "crystalizing" moment, even though it wasn't entirely correct, pointed me back to the trading direction. The job description of a Risk Manager basically required a Masters degree in Math, Statistics or Finance. I had that. It required skill in statistics. Statistics was the only subject I had 100% in during college, and I was one of the best Econometrics students in the class. Subconsciously, I always mentioned hedging in my MBA reports; one time, the Operational Finance professor actually read my answer out loud: "We want commodity price hedging with futures!" One of my key strengths is written communication, and writing Risk Reports is exactly my idea of a great day, expecially when it gives me an outlet for my interest in Law. And finally I remembered a little thing I used to have on my resume but deleted it in order to make space for my IESE club list: I was KIODEX certified in Natural Gas Risk Management.

So while everyone was partying, traveling & such I spent my holiday in Barcelona contemplating the purpose of my life. Then I realized that everything does happen for a reason, and you have to trust yourself to go down the path that is most right for you. So Risk Management for now. There are still some things I have to learn, claro, but now I know how to plan my classes next year, and what to get out of my summer internship. I am very lucky.

My 2 Offer Day

I think God was tired of my whining.

Why don't I have a job?? Whyyy?!?!? or Why can't I get straight As anymore? What is wrong with me? Have I become retarded? Whyyyy?!?!


Let's deal with Straight A issue first. I don't think I've ever been able to deal with 100% of an IESE exam before. There have always been some doubts. I wondered what the secret to getting an A was in here. Now I know: You have to be a genius. Or you have to have worked in the subject before.

Last week (er, this week, we are still in the same week but have been on holiday for the past 2 days) I took the Corporate Finance & Economics exams. Those were my double majors in college. Never before had I known how to do 100% of the test here in my life. And as a Finance major, I thought the Corporate Finance test was a little unfair to beginners. Some of the things tested were not directly taught in class, but you had to be smart enough to infer them. I don't think I could have done that after only a month being introduced to such models. Plus, there was an obsure formula on the test we had to know, but I only remembered because when the professor briefly mentioned it in class, I thought: "Neat!" Most people were clueless to what that formula was. The economics test was completely doable and fair, I thought, but hearing people say that it was hard made me feel that I was not retarded having said that about all the other tests I've taken in this place.

And regarding the jobs. I used to hate it when people came up to me and ask what I was doing for the summer. It was like having your married friends ask you all the time whether you are seeing anyone. Mind your own business!! :) Joking. But now that I'm part of the working crowd, I no longer feel that despair... and about being single, well, that's just not that important to me right now.

So after the Economics just I checked my mail. I received a great offer from Charity Bank in London! It would be a very pleasant, laid back summer working for them, plus I would have time to hang out with my IBD friends up there as well (whenever they don't work 16 hours a day). I was happy. And then I checked my messages. I had received a call from Pala Investments inviting me to become a Summer Associate at their boutique financial firm. It was almost like a miracle had occured. And then I had another interview that day to do a research project for IESE. Anyways, I spoke to the Pala people a couple of times to discuss the offer, and I think I'm going to take it. It would provide a great deal of valuation and more public & private transaction experience in the commodity sector. Just what I need -- I want to get into to commodity Risk Management someday. It would be a challenge, but I've got to appreciate it. Plus I would be living in Switzerland.

When I came home, Felix asked me why I wasn't excited about the offers. I really was happy, because I can finally relax a little on my future. But I guess I had just no more energy to give. I was burned out.

You Are 79% Burned Out

You are very burned out. You need a huge break from your responsibilities, starting as soon as possible. And you need this time to reevaluate what you really want out of your life. Because you're working hard and going no where... and that would burn anyone out!

Are You Burned Out?

On Wednesday I was supposed to go party at Mary's place. I couldn't get out of bed. And on weekends I haven't had a social life lately due to the fact that I need to sleep 14 hours a day. This holiday I chose to do nothing. I sleep at least 12 hours a day. I read. I ponder life, and where I want to be in the future. I just need this break... to do... nothing. :)