My Last Day In Switzerland

Tomorrow I fly back out to the States, it is my last day in Switzerland. What was so refreshing about Switzerland was how polite people were, how well behaved, how clean, and how everything ran on time. What I didn't like about Switzerland was how closed off most people were (I think I had the lowest date request ratio per time spent in an area since high school!). However, I did have some milestones I'll never forget.

- Built 3 operating models from scratch
- Got accretive / dilutive
- Went on a date with a guy in the Swiss military (in uniform!)
- Had aguardiente in Geneva on my birthday
- Actually enjoyed a job for the first time in my life (most of the time)
- Danced salsa on a ship
- Made a Brazilian wish
- Met a wonderful lawyer in Lugano

And amongst these milestones, today I learned I will not be getting a full time offer to return to Zug. I was expecting that for a couple of weeks actually, but I still stayed long hours because I knew I needed to learn. But during these last few weeks, I started to feel like something was missing. I loved my job, but it was so tiring, and I knew in my heart it wasn't exactly what I wanted.

A while back I had written in my journal that if money were not an issue, what I would most like to do with my life is work in some sort of low key financial analyst job, but after work I'd have time to go to dance practice every day. I would learn all these different types of salsa I'd always wanted to learn. Cumbia & zydeco via the clubs. I would learn samba and capoeira. I'd continue Spanish classes until I was fluent. All the things I never had time to do. And when I was leaving the office at 8 or 9PM everyday, although I only worked 70 hours this summer rather than 100 hours a week like in Banking, I still knew in my heart that something was missing.

I believe that if they had given me an offer, I would have taken it, even knowing this. I would spend the last of my 20s in an office, letting life pass me by. Why, because 1) it's a great job and I would be lucky to have it but also because 2) it's security. I won't have to worry about the unknown my last year of the MBA in a bearish economy. But, it's not everything I wanted. What I always fall for nowadays is security...

... But it didn't use to always be this way. I was at an almost identical fork in the road 3 years ago: I had to decide whether to get engaged to someone I had dated for 4 years, and had obviously loved once. He was a medical student, smart, funny, cute, considerate (sometimes)... but something was missing. I guess I always wanted to be the center of attention and wanted a guy to be in the spotlight with me, rather than on the sidelines. Despite it all, I still can't describe what exactly was missing. It just didn't feel in my heart, right, even though it was almost right, or right on paper. Back then I was a risk taker, and took my chances without him. I had confidence in my decisions because everything had always gone right for me. I was hopeful, but I was naive. And at that moment, like I do now, I felt free and that the world was ahead of me... but since then I suffered so much and still have not found that person that feels right. Maybe that's why now I would have chosen security over my heart - because there is no guarantee that it will ever work out. I guess it's just fear of the unknown. They say some would rather live with the evil they know rather than the evil they don't.

But I think the right thing happened for me. Now I know so much more of what I want, and I'll be more selective in my job search, and trust that the right one is out there for me...